Don't watch it but if anyone doubts the ability of the utterly talentless to be given a stage, they should've been sat in our flat last night. We have a pub whose beergarden adjoins one wall, a couple of times a year this pub puts on live "entertainment". This has previously consisted of a Blues Brothers Tribute Band (John Belushi would be spinning in his grave), a Jam Tribute, various heavy rock bands etc. Most of whom, although not providing earth-shattering entertainment, were bearable.



Last night's band kicked off at 8.00pm and finished their first set around 9.15. They'd played cometently and although there was no obvious musical genre, they did inlude some gems such as Fun Loving Criminals "Scooby Snacks". The play resumed at 9.45, only this time with an added twist, they were joined on stage by what appeared to be two, possibly three females, who then proceeded to "sing" for the rest of the evening. Their reportoire was pretty eclectic and included songs such as: Johnny Kid & The Pirates' "Shaking all Over", Rober Palmer's "Bad Case of Loving You", Stevie Wonder's "I was made to Love Her" and The Beatles' "Day Tripper".



Through what appeared to be a determined and deliberate combination of tone-deafness, an inability to find, let alone hold a note, complete lack of harmonies, poor timing and unlearned lyrics, they proceeded to mangle every, and I do meany EVERY song in ther set list. I finally reached breaking point at about 10.30 and after considering walking around the corner and having a word with the landlord, decided on a more subtle approach.



I remembered that I'd bought a battery-powered loudhailer at a car boot sale, so after digging it out, I went downstairs to the covered alley that separates the two properties. I climbed a stepladder and waited for a break between songs, then using the megaphone through the gaps in the corrugated roof, gave them my critique. After the first broadside, on of the girls said "I'm sorry for the interruption", to which I replied: "Don't apologise for me, you should be apologising to any lover of music, you have voices that only a mother could love". I continued by listing all of their perceived faults and suggested that they hired a practise studio, instead of rehearsing in public. I ended by recommending that they should seek other means of finding a living and suggested that they apply to the cheese factory on Monday morning.



The rest of the night continued in blissful silence.

A couple of points





Its a crying shame that the last twenty years has seen the demise of the Working Mens Clubs upon who's stages, upon tens of thousands of stages, every Saturday and Sunday night, the trio that you mention would have been able to establish pretty quickly that they either had no talent for singing (despite what their families had told them), or get their faults ironed out pretty quickly - indeed the way it used to work in Leeds they wouldn't have got past the agents auditions every Tuesday night in Jim Winsors Club until they were ready to go on the circuit.



I've recently spent two weeks in a small resort in Corfu where some pretty average "club turns" touted their talent nightly in a dozen or so bars - its been the "thing" in these resorts for several year now to do the "tribute" acts, more is the pity.



Nothing against "tribute" acts if they genuinely want to impersonate an established artist - my cousin runs an agency full of the fekkers - but when a bar sign a singer up for the season, give them some lodgings and feed them every night, and then give them a different wig and tell them that its Tuesday so they are Lady Ga-Ga or its Wednesday so here's a different wig and we'll draw some biro tatoos on your arms and you are instantly Amy Winehouse, then you know they are taking the p1ss.



By far the best bar in the whole resort was a small lock-up bar with a "Cheers" type square bar that you could sit at while a resident band of three guitarists played a whole range of rock without the aid of a backing tape (the devil incarnate, ruiner of musical talent), for three guitarists to hold your attention for a couple of hours without the aid of a drummer while they go through a repatoire of West Coast rock or anything that anyone shouted out for them to play, then you know they are good tradesmen.



I'd left the wife and the other four people in our party that night and got myself well p1ssed sat at the bar like Norm off "Cheers", the Greek barman kept bringing me bowls of free peanuts and heavily salted popcorn and every time he mixed a cocktail for someone he'd pour a snifter into a shot glass and get me to try it, he couldn't speak a word of English and I couldn't have heard him if he did but what a bloody good night that was - took the wife back in there a few nights later and she hated it - f'kin women eh ?

Oh I remember when my quest for fame and fortune was scuppered by an unprofessional camera woman who was laughing and shaking the camera in the process of filming my audition to be a fitness coach for the nation. I was the real star in that audition waiting room in Manchester all them years ago because the rest of the acts were cliché singers, opera dogs and twirlers.



It broke my heart when I didn’t get through to the judges stage.

What was that I wrote about paying to go spectate in an asylum of a weekend ?

Anyhow back on topic.



I thought it was cruel when they bought a lot of contestants all that way to boot camp then to only to boot a lot of them out without them even singing another note on top of their original audition. It could have been handled in a much better way.



This year I’ve decided just to watch the final because the knock out stages prior to the final are too long winded.

It's taken Gary Barlow, a normally decent and level-headed bloke, (ok his songs are boring tripe), and turned him into a brainless automaton of Cowell's crap empire of crap music. Just seeing that X-Factor advert where there's a close-up shot of him saying the cliched ''wow, that performance is going to change your life'' in wide-eyed amazement makes me want to kick him in the mouth

That was an absolute disgrace to do what they did last night. These people had taken time out of their lives of jobs, studying and arranging child care to be told - sorry we made a mistake you're e and should never ever ever have made it this far, bye bye. Remember these people were originally told they were good enough for boot camp. Just playing with their emotions. Thats not "good telly" imo.



Goldie getting through above the ones who went home without a chance just makes a mockery of the whole "this is a singing contest" mantra they always bang on about.



I'm gonna give Strictly a try next week, not seen it before but I've finally seen the light about X Factor

It's taken this long?!?





The programme is and always has been a complete and utter farce, yet I still watch it almost every week and moan at the television





I find it hilarious at these people in tears when they get kicked out, for example the girl last night who looked like she was having some sort of breakdown on the stairs after coming off stage. You've made it to the last 100 or so of a music competition. FFS worse things can happen in life like finding out you're dying from a terminal illness, or losing a parent. Get a flipping grip, you were lucky to get this far anyway!



While some of the contestants have good voices, you can see that producers are looking for carbon copies of stuff already on the market that they can make as much money from (see Adele and Ellie Goulding wannabe's Jade and Janet).



Early leaders in the 'people that seriously need punching in the face and will somehow make it through to the live shows' category are Frankie and Kitty, the latter being so far up her own backside that she seems like some sort of caricature (wouldn't be surprised if she's been told to act like this to create a hate figure for this year)

Ah X factor this year is turning into a right laugh, its going to get all those people who hate it but watch it proper wound up...just the type of thing I like.



The lad from the army is obviously not up to it but is important for the competition because it will get the tabloids onside with some Help for Heroes stuff....I hope he doesn't end up completely going to pieces, because he seems like a decent bloke, but he is being used to get the right headlines.



Plenty of other characters in there that have not got a chance of ever making it as a commercial success - that 'ooh matron' fella must be having a ball because he was on the dole and now he's on TV, and fair play to him he can be entertaining Saturday evening TV but nobody is going to buy an album of his. Same with the groups, they will get voted off straight away as there are too many of them on the market.



The kid called Frankie is getting a load of hate but I think he's alright, what he should do is find some mates who play instruments and go and be the lead singer in a modern indie band with skinny jeans, he's got the right image for that and his voice could pull that off. Also Kitty is getting hate but that's classic X factor taking advantage of someone with mental health issues, she strikes me as a girl with ADHD or something like that and there were stories in the papers from other contestants saying Kitty was being deliberately treated badly at bootcamp by the organisers to provoke her into a reaction - they've found a girl with some borderline mental health issues and are pressing her to make her react in unpredictable ways for good TV.



I can't remember the others they all seem much of a muchness, the best is the young blonde girl Amelia who is easily good enough to be a pop star. I'm not expecting her to produce the type of music I'd buy but she's got the charisma and confidence for it, she can handle herself in front of the cameras and handle the media and seeing as she's only 16 she is easily a natural to make it, she might not win she might be a 'shock eviction in week 5' or whatever but after it is over she will be the one that goes on to have a career.



Those three scousers have no chance, especially as they will split the 'scouse vote'.

Having worked with young people I think that this is pretty common across the board now.



What you see from these predominantly working class kids who have their hearts set on being a singer/superstar, is the same from middle class sixth formers who have their hearts set on investment banking. They are always bright kids who have got As all the way through school and had parents/teachers sucking up to them, telling them they are brilliant geniuses and the world is their oyster. Their first major rejection in life is when they apply to do PPE at Oxford and go down for interview and get the letter just after Christmas telling them that unfortunately Oxford is unable to offer them a place....when they come back in January they are in a state of trauma. I've seen it with some kids that they go totally off the rails then, they think their investment banking dream is in tatters and because they've spent the last year on investment banking forums where everyone mocks accountants/actuaries etc as failures who spend their lives on mediocre salaries of £50-80k a year, the kids don't want to reassess their ambitions down to that...they just think what the heck and start going off the rails. They end up with BBC, turning down their uni offers and loafing around on the dole.

Used to keep any eye on this show, but this year I haven't watched a single episode. I guess I got sick of the horrible constant repetition of cliches and catchphrases, and the ridiculous lauding of singers who wouldn't stand out in a downmarket karaoke bar as musical geniuses. The guy who won last year was just dire - dull as dishwater and couldn't sing in tune. Incidentally, what became of him?

Dunno about him but I think his sisters were singing in the next-door boozer on Saturday night