I remember an ex-employee many years ago who had made a complete cock-up of a job for me. When I questioned the bizarre way he'd approached it, which bore no resemblance to the conventional methods adopted or that he'd been taught in the expensive training he'd had, he said "well there's more than one way of doing things, isn't there?". I replied on along the lines that I agreed, but that only works if you actually get things right not produce a muddled mess. Another stupid defence and I was getting really angry, bearing in mind the job was as simple as they get. So in a rage I pointed out of the window where the local alcoholics were gathered and said, "I could have gone down there, got someone off the street, explained exactly what to do like I did to you and they'd probably have done a better job wouldn't they?" He gobsmacked me by answering "Yes"

(not sarcastically either).

I have American colleagues who don't "get in touch", "phone" or "contact" anyone ... noooo, they "reach out".

Every time I see or hear the phrase, I hear The Four Tops in my head.



Oh, yeah, and we don't "inform" anyone, we "call it out" to people.



I am thinking of changing my name to "Who's just joined?".

On conference calls I could cause havoc.

"There's light at the end of the tunnel."



Every phone call..."Hello Rob speaking"



Also, if he asks anybody to stay behind for longer, he'll always say "it'll benefit your upskilling". His most used line is "is it will or skill?".



He's also one for quotations, often saying "A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner", sometimes changing sea to race and mariner to jockey.

You MUST work for the same mob I do

Yes I know you've got 20 extra hours on your rota but we're plaiting fog here with all the sickness so you'll have to do it!



Well, sorry but stop trying to plait fog and try recruiting staff who are up to the job instead!



or



We really appreciate how hard you've worked over the last few months



really meaning, we don't know what we'd have done without you because no one else would take that one on and it made us a lot of money, sorry we can only pay you the normal e wage but there ya go

"Let's come at this with a blue sky thinking approach"



and a more common one that I totally over use is to add ".... in the first instance" onto the end of everything.