Two fish in a tank
One says to the other


How do you drive this thing

Peter starts his new job at the London Zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, Peter beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, Peter is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, Peter says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

Peter moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, 'What's the food like here?'

The lion replies,

'Absolutely brilliant!..... Today we had fish, chimps & mushy bees.'

Why shouldn’t you wear Ukrainian underpants?
Because Chernobyl fall out.

Mamma Mia: classic ABBA song or a Yorkshire kid telling his mum he's arrived?

my dog died in the washing machine today, i dont feel too bad knowing he died in comfort.

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore arseh0le asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell ar5e cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"

Great additions those! Made me laugh at least. Let’s try to get this thread as long as the other more depressing ones please

I like jokes about eyes.

The cornea the better.

I entered an erection competition last week.

I got to the semi

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg.

I thought: ‘This could be interesting