Disaster for NZ, bowled out before lunch on day one. I hope Ross Taylor is watching at home, nursing a large brandy and laughing his moobs off.

Wonder if I can find a New Zealand relative somewhere, I always fancied playing Test Cricket, must be worth a shot at getting in the side.

If I move there now, serve my seven years residency, I'll be 43 and won't have played for over 20 years. Would probably get a go batting at 5 and tweaking down my occasional off-breaks.

Even by Chris Martin's standards - a man for whom a position at 11 feels at least two slots too high - getting run out for 0 off 0 balls is a new low.

The question is, does that qualify him for the Primary Club, or does he have to form a new club for that one?!

Another shocker of a day for the kayways. Hope nobody has booked day 4 or 5 tickets for when they're over here later in the year. They suck diesel