A work colleague told me today that he wasn't going to buy his wife a Christmas present this year I asked him if there was any particular reason why, he replied well she hasn't used the present I bought for her last Christmas, out of curiosity I asked him what was the present he bought for her last year he replied "A Plot in the Cemetery"

an elderly married couple went to see their GP - the GP asked 'well,Mr & Mrs Roebuck (no relation) what brings you here ?' Mr Roebuck explains 'it's rather a delicate matter actually doctor what it is that me and my wife no longer get any pleasure from sex' the doctor rather embarassed hesitantly says 'yes,well ok,erm..can you just remind me of your age Mr Roebuck ?' the husband duly replies 'well doctor i'm 98 years old' The doctor turns to Mrs Roebuck and asks the same question as diplomatically as possible and she answers 'well doctor i'm 97 years old and we've been happily married for 75 years,we have six children,31 grandchidren and 4 great grandchildren'
The doctor rather embarrasingly says 'yes ok,so you are both in your late nineties ahem,but you say you don't errm get any pleasure out of sex,is that correct ?'
Mr Roebuck says 'yes that's correct doctor' - the doctor,never having been faced with this tricky problem asks delicately 'when was the last time you realised you had this problem ?' - The couple chatted for a few seconds and Mr Roebuck replied ' well doctor,it was once yesterday morning,twice last night and once again this morning'...

Chap at home, watching telly when there's a knock at the door. He opens it, only to be faced by a policeman. 'It's your wife, looks like she's been in a car crash' says the policeman. 'I know' says the man, 'but she's got a great personality'.

Me & my wife took our grandson Peter shopping in Leeds last week as we were driving towards the city centre Peter read out a roadside sign he had spotted (St Gemma's Hospice One Mile) he said Grandad whats an hospice? I replied about two gallons.

Here are a few things for you to ponder

Do step ladders have real parents?

What do occasional tables do the rest of the time?

Why is abbreviations such a long word?

Why is there only one monopolies commision?

Why do they fit frosted glass to areoplane toilet windows?

In American when they give a convicted prisoner a lethal injection why do they sterlize the needle?

me and my good lady were in bed the other night and I was stroking various parts of her back trying to get some kind of 'favourable' response - 'ahh,what ARE you doing ?' she replied
I said ' well dear i'm trying to find your Erogenous Zones' - she replied 'I thought they were somewhere near the Equator'...

South of the equator actually.

wherever they are,i've yet to find them after thirty years of marriage ! - can anyone offer me any advice ?

A woman's most erogenous zone his her purse.
Put your fingers in there and she will go wild.

can't find the key to the padlock mate (she's a jock !)