Paddy marches into the job centre and screams " i've been ringing 08001730 for two days now trying to get help! " Girl at reception desk asks " Did you get that number from our door sir? " Paddy says " Yes! " Girl says " those are our opening hours you thick git!! "

Just pinched this one off the Sin Bin ...

A man ended up being slapped in the face when he asked a nurse for a kiss as they stood just outside the hospital door. He wasn't exactly pleased about it. Apparently, it was the first time he had been turned down on medical grounds

bloke goes to a mental institute and see`s a bloke in bed pretending to drive a porche.so he says to the bloke in the next bed whats he doing?he`s driving his porche to the shops and back again.replies the bloke...but he`s sat up in bed why dont you tell him he only thinks he`s driving a porche..no chance he gives me a tenner a week to clean it

bloke walks into a pet shop and says;
can i have 2 dead flies please,
sorry sir we do not sell dead flies
oh says the bloke youve got some in the window.


two flies on a cowpat
one of them trumps
the other one says
do ya mind im tryin to eat mi dinner..



taxi ;dont worry im goin..

Dont worry theres one already booked for you

In a kindergarten school, a teacher asked her class to give examples of coincidence.

There was a long silence, then a small boy said: "My father & my mother were married the same day."



A BLONDE is in the library , she bangs down a book and says :" too boring, too many characters and no story.
LIBRARIAN says : oh! U r the one who took the phone directory away??

load of pupils in class little johnny shouts out;
gizza pencil
teatcher;i beg your pardon
johnny;gizza pencil
teatcher;johnny there are nouns,pro nouns,and verbs
teatcher;mary as no pencils,philip as no pencils
sarah as no pencils,edward as no pencils,
they have no pencils
we all have no pencils
johnny;well whos got all the bleedin pencils........

Paddy takes his broken car to the mechanic. Mechanic says " Nothing serious mate just please don't try to bypass the swear filter in your air filter" Paddy says " Brilliant , how often do i have to do that? "

Bloke takes his car into a garage in Leigh.
"what's the problem, mate?" asks the mechanic
"It's my wheels" he replies
"Are they champion?"
"No, they're please don't try to bypass the swear filter, that's why I need new ones!"

Whats hairy on the outside, moist on the inside, starts with a C ends in T
and has the letters U and N in the middle??


































A coconut!