Vaseline. Before you get the urge to push, ensure you get a good dollop of the stuff on your middle finger. Insert the said finger to the first knuckle joint (there is no need to go any further, your not attempting to massage your prostrate this time) and working in a slow circular motion, remove the finger ensuring all the vaseline is left behind. Make sure you smear a little on the outside of the rusty sheriffs badge also. Works a treat.

Never had you down as a bender (women only eat Kormas).

That's a normal night for anyone with a WN postcode.

Dial 999, and let them sort it out.

Two things that really upset me in that post.
1. People who are too lazy to go and get their own pizza or cook for themselves.
2. Kids who pester/cry to their parents when the shittt hits the fan (Literally in this case)

Oh I hear you.

My two are employed and earning their own salaries and paying board to live with us - they order takeaways at least three or four times a week, I've given up explaining to them that our local Chinese takeaway owner drives an E series Merc on their food orders.

I liken myself now to Don Corleone when at a meeting with Sollozzo he speaks of Sonny, "I have a sentimental weakness for my children and I spoil them, as you can see" I say that out loud every time I ask who is going to do the washing up and then find myself doing it .

The answer is simple.If the chilli is hot whilst eating it,take a slice of banana,it takes the heat away.Ergo,after eating a chilli,shove a banana up your ass.

That just comes over all wrong Damo.

Ah one ,two ,three,..........
"Chill-ee ,is a burning thing,and it makes a fiery ring................................................

Milk Enema.